I’m 80 And Have Felt Sad Since My Relationship With a Married Man Ended

The Yomiuri Shimbun

10:30 JST, December 8, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m an 80-year-old woman and my husband passed away 30 years ago. I have no concerns about my two children, both of whom graduated from university and have families of their own.

For the past 10 years, I was seeing a married man twice a week as a friend. We had no physical relationship but went out for lunch or a drive during the day. I would make our lunch and we would chat at my house.

At the beginning of last year, he told me that his wife had developed dementia, meaning that he wouldn’t be able to leave the house as freely as before as he would have to help his wife do everything. We haven’t seen each other since then.

I trust people easily and felt good when he told me he loved me or wanted to stay together whenever we met. I paid for all the dates and did my best to be there for him.

I haven’t heard from him since then, and I keep asking myself what the point of our relationship was.

I’m all alone now. How should I live the rest of my life?

G, Ibaraki Prefecture

Dear Ms. G:

It’s been over a year and a half since you broke up, but your sadness is as deep as if you broke up just recently. I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but perhaps you are upset because it might have been your last chance at romantic love.

But you knew he had a wife. Even though you had no physical relationship, his wife would have been upset if she had learned you two were meeting regularly.

You were paying for dates because you wanted to. You should be grateful that his wife never found out.

A spouse developing dementia would completely change anyone’s life. People with dementia have to rely on others to help them with even the smallest things, such as getting dressed, washing their face, brushing their teeth and cutting their nails. They can easily wander off or start a fire in the kitchen.

It’s an important matter, considering the problems it can cause in the neighborhood. Imagine what he must be going through.

Is it that you feel you were deceived? Perhaps you feel even lonelier because you spent such wonderful times together, something you couldn’t even have wished for. Are you really unhappy? Is it something for which you should blame yourself?

What starts must eventually end. The relationship simply ended. Now that you don’t have to worry about your children, you can slowly start moving forward again.

Instead of lamenting what you’ve lost, count your blessings and live your life.

Hazuki Saisho, writer