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I’m a female public servant in my 50s. I had decided that when my son, who attends university, got a girlfriend, I would leave him in that woman’s hands. However, his current girlfriend’s family has some troubling issues, and I cannot honestly give my blessing to their relationship.
His girlfriend’s father has committed domestic violence. Her mother, who gave birth to her in her teens, had an affair and has remarried. My son’s girlfriend and her brothers were neglected as children, and her brothers have apparently been hikikomori social recluses since around the time they were at elementary school. I don’t have anything against my son’s girlfriend, who has found a steady job and is living life to the fullest.
However, her grandfather is currently in prison for inflicting a bodily injury that resulted in death. That alone is unacceptable to me. Her family loves her grandfather, and they are apparently waiting for him to return home after serving his sentence.
At a family get-together the other day, her uncle provoked a quarrel with my son and almost punched him. This is a family that includes a person who throws a punch at someone the first time they met, and a grandfather who is a murderer and will return home someday. When I imagine the son I raised with care attending such family gatherings and think about his future, the distress I feel is unbearable.
— J, location withheld
Dear Ms. J:
I think it’s wonderful that you previously decided you would leave your son’s romantic relationships up to him. Don’t you think now is the time to follow through on your decision?
When I read your letter and learned about the family of your son’s girlfriend and her relatives, I feel that you are preoccupied with worries about what lies ahead, and it cannot be helped that your resolve to let your son handle his relationships will vanish without a trace. Nevertheless, if you unsparingly oppose this relationship, the person who will get hurt the most is your son. He’ll simply lose his ability to calmly make decisions and dig in his heels. I know this might be difficult, but I suggest you suppress your desire to oppose their relationship and listen carefully to how your son feels about this situation.
One thing I noticed in your letter is that you are worried about the people around your son’s girlfriend, but you didn’t mention your thoughts on her. The son you lovingly raised has chosen this woman. Please keep faith that she has good points, and show your son that you are willing to talk to him with an open mind.
Your son is still a university student. Nobody knows if his relationship with his girlfriend will become more serious in the future. Your son probably has his own worries on his mind. It’s important that you maintain a relationship in which your son feels he can come to you for advice.
One further thing: A “bodily injury that resulted in death” is not the same as “murder.” I think you also should be very careful about branding her grandfather a murderer.
