Should I leave my dreamer boyfriend who can’t marry me yet?

The Yomiuri Shimbun

17:00 JST, April 14, 2022

Dear Troubleshooter:

I am a part-time worker in my 30s. When I was a student, I wasn’t good with boys and couldn’t really find a boyfriend. In recent years, I have become able to talk to men and now finally have a boyfriend.

I have started thinking about marrying him, but he is a part-timer and a dreamer and said he cannot marry me now for financial reasons.

I’ve thought of waiting for him, but I can’t wait long at my age because I want to have a baby after I get married.

Another man has shown interest in me, so I sometimes think of marrying him instead. But it’s the current boyfriend who made me want to get married after meeting him. I cry when I just think about breaking up with him.

But I want to have a child. I don’t know when he will be ready to marry me. He may not even want to in the first place.

We have discussed it but reached no conclusions. What is the best path for me?

— E, Tokyo

Dear Ms. E:

I can feel you have a woman’s wavering heart. It seems this is the first time you wanted to marry, after meeting him. Your words, “I cry when I just think about breaking up with him” tell me that you really love him. But the barrier is his financial situation. You want to have a child, but right now you cannot see the future and your feelings remain painful.

He has told you that he cannot marry you now, but does he really have the intention to marry you? This is the most important aspect. If he really wants to marry you, you should take the initiative and draw up a blueprint for living together. You should keep pushing the dreaming part-timer.

On the other hand, if he cannot clearly say he wants to marry you, you should leave him. If not, you’ll just get worn out.

You said you have talked about marriage with him. But you can take further action. There is a point at which it takes power and decisiveness to earn happiness. Maybe now is the time for that, when the cherry blossoms have started to bloom.

— Akemi Masuda, sports commentator