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I’m a homemaker in my late 70s. My husband, who is also in his 70s, met a woman nearly 20 years younger than him at a park and now sends her heart emojis on Line. I found out about it because I snooped through his smartphone.
The woman has a family, and I don’t believe my husband and her have a physical relationship. Still, I don’t like it. I learned that this kind of thing is called an emotional affair.
Even if people say it’s nothing, I still get goosebumps thinking of him flirting with her and sending messages like “The sky is so beautiful.” The way he treats this woman is different from how he treats me.
I’ve been putting up with my husband, who is a bit of a bully, for years. He says he has never had an affair, but a lot of things have happened, even if they weren’t infidelity. It feels absurd to me.
Should I blow up in anger and tell him to cut ties with her, even if it means he finds out that I snooped through his phone, or remain a silent observer? Or should I tell the woman to stop?
— U, location withheld
Dear Ms. U:
For couples who have been freed from raising kids and working, maintaining a strong emotional connection and a sense of mutual trust is the most important thing.
It’s only natural that you feel disgusted by your husband, who is messaging and flirting with some random woman out of nowhere.
However, I think it’s a little early to jump to the conclusion that it’s an emotional affair just because he texted her “The sky is so beautiful.” He might have a one-sided crush.
What you need to do now is reduce the anger and distrust you have toward your husband. Try to get rid of those emotions as much as possible and focus on feeling better.
How about just apologizing for snooping through his phone and telling him how you honestly feel?
If you do that, don’t blame him or try to force him into doing anything. That would have the opposite effect.
Instead, what’s important is letting him in on the pain and loneliness you have deep inside you. If you don’t put your feelings into words, they won’t get across — even if you’re a married couple.
On that basis, how about trying to change your longtime stance of being the wife of “a bit of a bully” to one of being in an equal relationship? I hope your honest words will be the catalyst for this.
