I Wish I Could Escape My Mentally Unstable Mother; I Don’t Want to Leave My Father Overburdened

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:10 JST, August 25, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a teenage girl. I have failed my university entrance exams and am continuing my studies to retake them after having graduated high school.

It’s become so hard for me to live with my mother because of her mental instability that I want to run away from home. When things do not go as expected, she is very quick to get angry. She often takes out her anger on things around the house by hitting them or by complaining for a long time.

Since I was small, I’ve always tried to avoid making her angry, figure out what she wants and calm her down whenever she is upset. I’ve always been sensitive to her moods. Getting scolded for mistakes has been making life here hard to put up with lately.

I want to go to a university and leave home. But it’s hard for me that I have to endure until that time comes.

When she gets unstable, she needs care and I cannot concentrate on my studies.

My father listens to me, but I saw him cry when my mother said some terrible things to him. I cannot let him take on any more of this burden.

My father and I have shared the burden of my mother’s moods for many years, so I think that running away alone is heartless. I don’t know what to do.

— Q, Ishikawa Prefecture

Dear Ms. Q:

After reading your letter, I felt that you are a “psychological young caregiver.” You look after your mother, are considerate of your father and study for entrance exams. These are harsh conditions to go through.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You will be exhausted unless you live more freely as a child.

Are there any other trustworthy or reliable adults around you? Can you think of anyone, such as teachers and health nurses at the high school you graduated from, teachers at your cram school if you are attending one, relatives, or doctors and nurses at a hospital you visit?

You might not be able to resolve these issues all at once. However, there are ways to reduce the burden.

For example, since it seems to me that your mother may need help with her mental state, she can see a doctor with your father. Also, if your father can find places to get advice about your mother’s situation, things may ease up.

Some people think that talking about family issues with others is not good or is shameful. But do not worry. Now, you should think about how to reduce your burden, even just a little, so that you can concentrate on studying.

You can consider your future more after passing your entrance exam. For now, just focus on reducing your burden as much as possible.

— Junko Umihara, psychiatrist