Should I Tell My Daughter That She and My Husband Are Not Related by Blood?

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:45 JST, August 18, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a part-time worker in my mid-30s and I’ve remarried. I live with two children whom I had with my current husband and an older daughter from my previous marriage.

I’m wondering if I should tell my daughter that she is not related to my current husband by blood.

My former husband left us when she was 5 months old, and we later divorced. I have not heard from him since.

I met my current husband before my daughter turned 1. He, too, has a child from his previous marriage.

My current husband is strict but treats all the children equally and takes good care of them. He gets along well with my daughter. She does not seem to have any questions now, but I suspect she will eventually.

Maybe she’d be hurt if I told her about her biological father and his financial troubles. I’m also worried, when she’s a teenager, she’ll say, “I want to meet my real father.”

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her the truth?

— V, Aichi Prefecture

Dear Ms. V:

Your current husband has raised your daughter since before she was 1 year old, and has treated all the children equally, even after you have had more children together. He has a good relationship with your daughter and seems to treat her as his own child.

Now that such a natural and positive relationship has been established, I don’t think there is any need to tell her the truth. The fact that she still seems to be quite young only adds to this argument. She would likely feel uneasy if you told her the truth, not knowing how to take the fact that they are not related by blood.

However, even if you keep quiet, the time will come when she learns the truth, maybe by hearing it from others or when looking at the family register. She may have mixed feelings and may foster a resentment that will have nowhere to go.

When that happens, please accept it and explain that you and your husband worried over what to do. Tell her again and again that this changes nothing about your current husband being her father.

This matter also has something to do with what your husband wants. And there is the issue of adoption between your daughter and your husband. Have you discussed this with your husband? Perhaps you are avoiding the matter because you don’t want to touch on this? Please have a long talk with your husband and come to a decision.

— Yoko Sanuki, lawyer