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I’m a woman in my 60s. My 4-year-old granddaughter is bright, talkative, energetic and active.
My concern is that my daughter’s husband has been disciplining my granddaughter in a way that is darn near abusive.
My granddaughter is small, eats very little and on top that, is an erratic eater.
The other day, when she had taken only a few nibbles of dinner, my son-in-law blew up and told her furiously: “Eat! And don’t act like you’re crying. If you don’t eat, I’m not going to give you any more food!”
Her mother, my daughter, has been protecting the child and has sometimes asked her mother-in-law to caution her son about getting too angry.
My daughter is pregnant with their second child. Her husband started getting angry with my granddaughter when she turned 2 and began talking.
Even when she did not do anything that would warrant it, he would yell things like: “Apologize! Don’t do that!” and “Don’t spill!”
Usually, the three of them get along well, and my granddaughter loves her father very much. But I’m worried that his behavior will have an impact on her future.
— A, Gunma Prefecture
Dear Ms. A:
The behavior of your granddaughter’s father is clearly beyond the scope of discipline.
With the repetition of daily rebukes, I wonder how much anxiety and sadness that young mind must be experiencing.
Immediate action is needed, but the father — and those around him — must first understand why he talks to the child in this manner.
You wrote his terrible anger started when she was about 2 years old, which is known as the “terrible twos,” a time when a child is very selfish and unreasonable. This is a very distressing situation, considering that it also coincides with the beginning of discipline.
Parents who are dealing with this need to be relaxed, but the father might be in a stressful situation from work or other factors.
It seems to me that he feels a strong responsibility for his child’s education. He needs to be cared for more than he needs to be told what to do by those around him.
Meanwhile, your daughter’s attitude will be key. It is difficult for her to deal with this because of her pregnancy, but she must continue to demonstrate her commitment to protecting her daughter.
If your daughter stands by and looks past the fact that her daughter is being severely reprimanded by her father, the feeling of not being protected, even by her mother, will leave your granddaughter with a sense of hopelessness.
I suggest that you invite your daughter’s family over to your home from time to time and give them more opportunities to enjoy a meal together. I believe that the experience of an enjoyable dinner table is a gift that only grandparents can provide.
