My Cousin Didn’t Tell Me About Her Wedding; I Only Found Out Through Social Media

The Yomiuri Shimbun

13:02 JST, July 28, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female company employee in my late 20s. I have a cousin and felt saddened when I learned only through social media that she got married.

I thought that my relatives would be informed in advance. She has about a thousand followers on her social media account, and I saw the wedding announcement because I was one of her followers.

Both my grandmother and my parents are angry about it, saying that it should not be the way. They also said that if they were invited to the wedding, they would not attend.

I have a good relationship with my cousin, but since my family say they will not go to the wedding, should I also not attend?

Social media has become indispensable these days, and I’m glad to see that my cousin looks happy on her posts. However, I wonder if this kind of announcement is how it is done these days. Even though I’m in my 20s, I can’t accept my cousin’s method.

— Y, Saitama Prefecture

Dear Ms. Y:

Nowadays, relationships with relatives have become nuanced. Until about 40 years ago — before the emergence of social media — it was thought relatives had an obligation to help each other and that only they could offer help in times of emergency. Because of this, your grandmother and parents believe relatives should be notified first about important matters.

However, in recent years, an increasing number of people think relations with their relatives are just “one connection” and on the same level as that of friends or colleagues. In fact, it is not certain that a person can rely on their relatives if something happens.

If you regard your cousin as being like a friend and you get along with her, you can keep in close contact with her. If you don’t, then you should keep your contact with her to a minimum.

Since you say you have good relations with her, why don’t you explain your feelings to her? You could congratulate her on the wedding but tell her you felt a little sad finding out about it through social media and ask why she didn’t tell you in advance.

After speaking with your cousin, you should attend the wedding if you feel happy with her explanation. If you don’t feel comfortable, it is fine to skip the wedding. It is better for you to decide based on whether you want to keep a good relationship with your cousin, and not by how your parents view the situation.

— Masahiro Yamada, university professor