I Have a Common-Law Wife But Can’t Forget the Woman I Had an Affair with

The Yomiuri Shimbun

12:32 JST, July 14, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a male company employee in my mid-50s. My common-law wife and I have lived together for 10 years.

I got to know a woman at work whom I had good chemistry with and, though she also had a family, we had an affair for three years.

She told me that she wanted to leave her family and be with me, but because of my age and physical condition, I didn’t have enough energy to sever ties with my wife. So, I told her that I wanted to keep our relationship the way it was.

She changed her workplace and phone number, so I could not contact her.

Though I loved her more than my common-law wife, I prioritized convenience. I miss her so much that it hurts.

As I think it was the last love affair of my life, I’m still waiting for some form of contact from her. If she were next to me, I would want to hear her voice and see her smiling face. I wonder whether it would be possible to reconnect with her.

I want your brutally honest opinion of me as I feel I’m behaving in a way unbecoming of my age.

H, Miyazaki Prefecture

Dear Mr. H:

Though she proposed you two run away together, you were not brave enough to do so. She abandoned you because you were lukewarm and selfish and then disappeared without leaving any traces of the relationship. It was a great way to end the affair.

You betrayed your common-law wife for as long as three years. It is laughable that you are still eager to see the smile of the woman who left you.

It is best for you to think your wife has been vaguely aware of the relationship.

Without intending to deny the legitimacy of common-law marriages, I think that you did not register your marriage from the beginning partly because of your opportunism and indecisiveness. How do you feel about this?

You seem to need some hard training. There may be no option for you other than being alone and seriously improving your personality with some form of external pressure.

For example, how about a tour of spiritual sites? In Japan, there are many spiritual and holy sites, such as the famous Shikoku pilgrimage of 88 temples. You can tour such places while showing your gratitude for the kindness of the local people.

You can calmly consider how kindly you have been supported by other people, how deeply you have hurt others and what is lacking in your personality. As you gain more during your pilgrimage, realize that it is equivalent to the amount you have taken from others.

When you return home, your wife may no longer be there. If this happens, it is what you deserve.

That is where your new life will begin.

Hazuki Saisho, writer