My Intrusive Mother is Overly Critical of My Appearance

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:57 JST, March 1, 2026

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a homemaker in my 30s and the youngest of three siblings. I’ve long suffered from my mother’s intrusive behavior.

Having lost her own mother at a young age and been raised by a strict father, she labels my hairstyles and clothing as “immoral” and calls me “ugly” when I wear makeup.

She goes through my bags and underwear without permission and sometimes shows them to my father, which hurts me deeply. Even when I told her to stop, she wouldn’t listen. She directed these remarks only at me among my siblings and would only stop if my older brother or sister intervened.

Even now, after I’ve married and moved out, whenever I send photos of my children, she only criticizes their appearance, saying things like, “Long hair will get in their eyes.”

Deep down, my mother is a kind person, and I want my children to see her. However, I hesitate, fearing that the hurtful words that I was subjected to for so many years might now be directed at my children. How should I interact with my mother?

— Z, Hyogo Prefecture

Dear Ms. Z:

You are probably approaching the age your mother was when she gave birth to you. Can you imagine how you would treat a third child if you had one now?

Why was your mother so strict and overly intrusive only with you? You mentioned that she lost her mother at a young age and was raised strictly by her father, but her attitude toward your two older siblings is clearly different. That’s odd. Can you imagine yourself using harsh words only toward your youngest child?

The circumstances aren’t clear, but it seems like your father was absent. Did he just stay silent even when he was made to see his daughter’s underwear? It also seems like he never reprimanded your mother. Why do you think that is? Have you ever talked to your father about your mother?

I’m asking these questions to encourage you to think for yourself. Fortunately, you have a new family — a safe haven. For now, it’s best to keep your distance from your parents’ home. You can explain your reasons to your siblings. Don’t initiate contact with your parents.

Behind this relationship, where you are still haunted by your mother even when you are apart from her, there must be issues she is facing. She must resolve them. You just need to wait.

— Hazuki Saisho, writer