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I’m a male student in my 20s. I really hate my sister who is two years younger than me.
She works part-time, but still asks for money from our parents. She cleans her own room, but leaves the family rooms messy.
More than anything, I cannot tolerate that she acts like a nice person at school and work and is trusted by many people. I hate her two-faced personality, as she behaves differently outside the home.
The reason for my feelings may be that I’m so bothered by her every move that I cannot see her good side. But I really cannot tolerate her. Sometimes, I feel the urge to beat her up or worse. There are times when I see such situations in my dreams.
I’m expected to get a job next year and will live apart from her. So I may just need a little patience until then. But I think it will negatively affect my life unless I can work through this. Any advice?
F, Yamagata Prefecture
Dear Mr. F:
The phrase “I really hate my sister” is a strong sentiment. But after reading your letter, I can see that the two-faced personality, in which your sister behaves differently away from home, is a kind of tactfulness that teenage girls acquire.
You, as a fastidious brother, cannot stand such a personality and only tolerate her. But you and your sister are still young. There is still time for each of you to establish your own identity. Both of you are at a stage in which you tend to feel emotionally unstable.
The situation is just a passing phase. It is only natural to have periods in which you confront your sister or are disinterested in her.
At the moment, you are negative about yourself and unable to tolerate injustice in other people. But you are able to analyze yourself just fine. In other words, you can see yourself relative to others, and that is OK.
Your assessment of others will change as you interact with more people, have different experiences and grow up. As you will start your career next year, take this opportunity to courageously embark on independence and to shake things off.
If you can steadily affirm yourself, you will naturally gain tolerance of others.
