I feel unloved after finding out my husband is gay

The Japan News

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a part-time worker in my 40s. I have been married for 15 years and been blessed with children.

However, about five years ago I found out that my husband is gay.

He collects DVDs and secretly watches them every night so I won’t notice. He still believes that I don’t know, so I have continued pretending to be unaware.

My husband worries about what others think of him. I suppose that he has played the role of a happy husband and father because he wants to be seen that way.

I’m incredibly sad that I have not been loved as a woman. I can’t mentally handle it anymore, and I feel ill.

Every day is agonizingly and painfully sad. I have reached my limit. Since our children are getting older, I’m considering divorcing him now.

Should I be honest with our children about the reason for the divorce when I tell them about our decision?

Y, Saitama Prefecture

Dear Ms. Y:

You have silently endured so much pain these past five years. It must have been very agonizing, and I can understand that it is only natural that you feel you have reached your limit.

There are many people who are sexual minorities in the world. Though they have become more widely accepted in recent years, prejudice was still deeply rooted in society around the time you got married. It wasn’t that rare back then for someone in that minority to lie to themselves and marry someone of the opposite sex. I believe this still occurs in society.

Your husband probably feels tormented. Though you may want to deny everything, please ask yourself whether everything truly has been a total pretense from the beginning. When your children were born, how did your husband react? Didn’t he also share in your joy and hope that your children would grow up healthy?

Whatever has happened, you two are their parents. I’m sure you must have honestly hoped for the health and happiness of your children.

Please tell your children how happy you felt when they were born, and that though you and your husband will go your separate ways, the love you two have for your children will never change. Make sure to express this to them, along with the true reason behind your divorce.

If your children see their parents respect each other, I believe they will live their lives loving themselves.

Hazuki Saisho, writer