After I was in an affair, I’m facing a relationship crisis with my wife

The Japan News

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a company employee in my 40s and I’m seeking advice about my marital relationship.

A few years ago, I was on the verge of divorce because I was having an affair. Our relationship did improve at one point, but recently, we’ve been talking less to each other, and I can’t deny the feeling that our marriage is being maintained only because we have children.

Because of my character, I’m not very sociable, and even at work I don’t have any colleagues I’m particularly close to. People around me also say I seem uninterested in anything other than myself.

I don’t have much to do on my days off. I did a certain amount of chores around the house in the past, but my wife complained about how I was doing them, and I haven’t done any since.

I also have this fear that I will be scolded or she will get angry at me no matter what I do.

I know it’s not good to have the situation go on like this, but I don’t know how or where to start to get along with her as family again. Please give me some advice.

F, Chiba Prefecture

Dear Mr. F:

Surely the most important thing to do is to gain your wife’s trust.

Why don’t you start by doing chores around the house? Ask your wife what she wants you to do, then follow her directions.

If you get scolded, you should appreciate it. Because she is thinking of you, she will also scold you and complain about you. It’s proof that she cares about you.

You say you and your wife don’t talk, but why don’t you strike up a conversation? At the beginning, she might ignore you, but that won’t matter. Just keep on talking to her. If you don’t want to continue this cold war, you have to be the one to end the uncomfortable situation.

You don’t have the courage?

You feel scared?

What are you talking about?

You’re not sociable because of your character?

You’ve just decided that for your own convenience. You have the passion to have an affair, so if you work yourself up, there shouldn’t be anything you can’t do.

To regain your wife’s trust, you must change for the better. You have to show this change. You won’t succeed if you do things half-heartedly.

Be serious and sincere.

Tatsuro Dekune, writer