I’m gay and have a boyfriend, but cannot tell my wife the truth

The Yomiuri Shimbun

13:25 JST, November 6, 2021

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a male company employee in my 30s and the only child of a wealthy family. I got a job, got married and had a child, just as my parents wanted. Now, I have a family that wants for nothing, and I have worked hard to make it appear that way.

I’m actually gay, but to keep up appearances, I married a woman who was introduced to me by my boss. She became pregnant after we slept together a few times, but lately, we haven’t had sex at all.

I’ve been with my boyfriend since before I met my wife. When I told him I was getting married, he said: “It’s OK. I just want to be with you.”

The only time I truly feel like I can be myself is when I’m with him. Leaving him would feel as painful as abandoning my family.

I know I have been taking advantage of my wife’s naivete and my boyfriend’s kindness, but I don’t think the situation can go on like this. I feel like I’m just digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole. Can you please tell me which path I should choose?

—G, Tokyo

Dear Mr. G:

You can either break up with your boyfriend, leave your wife and child to live with your boyfriend, continue hiding the truth from your wife, or tell your wife the truth without breaking up with your boyfriend.

You have many options available to you. But before you make a decision, you need to figure out how you truly feel, otherwise, you’ll not be able to escape from the hole you’ve dug.

No one can help you if you yourself don’t even know what you want. You need to realize that you’re the only one who can decide what you should do.

However, your wife married you and had your child without knowing you are gay. I don’t think it’s right for her to be left in the dark. Her life is just as important as yours.

In recent years, the public is developing a greater understanding of the LGBT community. If you want to tell your wife the truth, and you can be honest about your weaknesses and express how regretful you are, there’s a chance she might be more understanding of the pain you went through.

Carefully think about your wife’s and your boyfriend’s feelings before deciding which path you should take. I think it’s about time you finally made a decision.

—Megumi Hisada, writer