I’m in my 80s, but my wife is telling me to pack up, get out

17:50 JST, May 18, 2021
Dear Troubleshooter:
I’m a man in my 80s, living on a pension, but my wife has told me to move out.
I’m grateful to my wife for dedicating herself to our family for many years. She devoted herself to raising our children and was taking care of my mother in her final days.
However, it seems my mother was cruel to her at the start of our marriage, saying: “I worked hard to build this house. Hurry up and get out.”
My mother didn’t mention anything to me, and when my wife talked to me about it at the time, I didn’t do anything. I assumed it was a common problem between a wife and her mother-in-law.
Over the past few years, my wife has been saying: “You’ve never done anything for me. You’re not qualified to be my husband. Get out.”
I’m getting older and I have absolutely nowhere to go.
Throughout my career as a company employee, I’ve been a good member of society and haven’t done anything unethical. I believe I’ve always done my share of the household chores and have worked hard every day.
I want to spend the rest of my life with my wife, whom I believe I’m meant to be with.
—A, Tokyo
Dear Mr. A:
Your wife must be feeling incredibly frustrated to ask her elderly husband to move out. I think your wife has put up with a lot for a long time.
You have high praise for your wife’s dedication, but you can’t just continue to do nothing. I think what she is trying to say is that if you were truly her husband, you would understand how she feels.
If you don’t understand and choose to keep sitting there being confused, the situation will not improve. I think you have to show her how much work you’re willing to put in.
First of all, you need to apologize. Don’t make excuses for your past behavior, which your wife resents. Just listen to everything she has to say. Then, let her know how grateful you are by saying, “You have had to deal with a lot and dedicated yourself to our family.”
Don’t think about what might be convenient for you. Clearly let her know the feelings you have for her by saying, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Don’t say that you have nowhere to go. Instead, show her that you’re prepared to accept her wishes by saying that you are ready to live on your own if that is what she wants.
On top of that, you should fully discuss financial and other household matters with your wife. While the two of you are talking, carefully listen to what your wife wants and use it as an opportunity to build a new relationship with her.
After reading your letter, I think that your wife is generally a very kind and thoughtful person.
I wish you the best.
— Megumi Hisada, writer
"Features" POPULAR ARTICLE
-
Ueno Park Cherry Blossoms in Full Bloom in Tokyo; About 800 Trees Present ‘Overwhelming Beauty’
-
Mid-20th Century Shopping Street in Tokyo Soon to be Demolished; Shops, Atmosphere Evokes Nostalgic Feelings
-
Cherry Blossoms in Full Glory at Japan’s Takato Castle Park; Deep Red Flowers Blooming on About 1,500 Trees
-
‘Cherry Blossom Tunnel’ Opens at Osaka Mint Bureau
-
Giant Cherry Blossom Tree Resembling Waterfall Draws Visitors to Fukushima Pref. Town; Tree Believed to be Over 1,000 Years Old
JN ACCESS RANKING