I’m concerned about my husband’s old crush

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my 30s working part-time. I’ve been married for three years and my husband is around the same age as me.

Recently, a mutual friend told me that he had a crush on a woman at his former workplace for over 10 years, and so I’d like to ask for some advice about how to handle this situation.

I discovered that the PIN code of the credit card that my husband gave me to use as I please is the birthday of that woman. Even worse, the 6-digit PIN on his phone that he revealed to me in case of emergency is the woman’s full date of birth.

Does this mean that he still hasn’t forgotten about his love for her?

I’m filled with suspicion regarding husband, knowing that he had me press the number of that woman’s birthday every time I went shopping. My husband is usually very kind, but this incident has made me fear that he does not love me.

In order to preserve our happiness, should I refrain from telling him that I know the meaning behind the PIN number? Or should I ask him to change it?nd divorce proceedings are moving forward whether I like it or not.

— J, Ibaraki Prefecture

Dear Ms. J:

Memories of love are not always pleasant. If it fails to work out, those memories tend to be painful and torturous.

But memories of unrequited love are often just faint and nostalgic. And this happened before he married you. I am sure that your husband has found happiness since marrying you.

I do not think that the fact he has not changed his credit card PIN necessarily means that he still misses her. If he still had feelings for her, would he go to the trouble of giving you a credit card that has her birthday as the PIN code?

I believe he is just being lazy. In my view, men are generally not as sensitive about such things as women are.

The problem lies with the mutual friend who told you that he had a crush on a woman in the past. I think you yourself should trust in the happiness you have now, rather than listen to what outsiders say.

If it really bothers you, you could just ask him to change the number because you find it hard to remember. I would advise against telling your husband the whole story and questioning him about it, because that would be churlish and could ruin your happiness.

— Megumi Hisada, writer