How Should I Handle My Husband’s Verbal Abuse?

The Yomiuri Shimbun

12:30 JST, April 26, 2026

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a part-time worker in my 50s. For over 20 years of marriage, my husband has subjected me to harsh verbal abuse.

He repeatedly says negative things to me in everyday conversation, such as “It’s your fault we’re fighting” and “You’re such a boring woman.”

When we talk about traveling, he makes assumptions about my physical stamina and personality, speaking to me in a condescending tone: “You can’t walk, can you? You couldn’t handle run-down hotels anyway.”

Even when I tell him he’s upsetting me, he dismisses me and says, “I’m just joking,” or “You’re too sensitive,” so we can’t have a real conversation.

Lately, I feel like I’m being blamed every time we talk. It’s become very painful to be at home, and I feel like I’m a worthless person.

Our children are grown, and I’m wondering if I should just continue to put up with this for the rest of my life.

Am I taking this too seriously, or is my husband’s behavior abnormal? How can I protect my own mental well-being?

— J, Gunma Prefecture

Dear Ms. J:

It sounds like you’ve been hurt for many years by your husband’s words that seem to deny your very character. I imagine you’ve been putting up with it for the sake of your children and other family considerations.

Many men mistakenly believe that because they are the breadwinners, they can say whatever they want, and it seems your husband is using you as an emotional outlet.

When you’re constantly belittled for such a long time, it’s easy to start believing that you really are a worthless person. But if you look back on your life, you’ll realize there’s no reason for you to be criticized so much.

First, you need to reclaim your own dignity. Then, think about what you want for yourself.

Instead of worrying whether you’re overreacting, acknowledge that you feel hurt, that you find your husband’s behavior strange and unacceptable. Before asking others for advice, ask yourself what you want.

If you have financial concerns about divorce, you need to focus on becoming independent. For example, find places where you can get advice about your future livelihood. This shift in your mindset might create a sense of crisis in your husband and lead him to change his attitude.

If you decide to move forward by defining your future not as a period of endurance but as a time to make the most of yourself, the path will open up. Believe in yourself.

— Junko Umihara, psychiatrist