My Mother Is Upset with Me Because I Meet My Aunts, Whom She Dislikes

The Yomiuri Shimbun

15:00 JST, March 22, 2026

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female part-time worker in my 40s. My mother, in her 70s, is a person that people might call a “toxic parent.”

Since my childhood, I’ve been mentally and physically abused by my mother. She has always talked bad about other people. She easily loses her temper and gets physically violent.

Even now, hearing her voice brings back those memories. However, I know she has good qualities, too, in some aspects, so I’ve tried to deal with her calmly.

My father has two elder sisters and two younger sisters. My mother apparently suffered hardships, like being criticized by her mother-in-law and sisters-in-law. My two sisters and I had to listen to her complaints about this situation for many years.

Meanwhile, my father’s sisters — my aunts — played with me since I was little. Meeting them calmed me and made me feel positive.

There was a time when I kept my distance from them out of consideration for my mother. But I decided to prioritize my own feelings and continue meeting them.

However, recently, after my mother found out about my contact with my aunts, she attacked me, asking, “Why do you keep seeing them, knowing that I hate even hearing their voices or seeing their faces?” What should I do?

— E, Tokyo

Dear Ms. E:

You’ve endured so much pain that you call your mother a “toxic parent.” Yet, despite that, you’ve managed to see her good side and deal with her while maintaining your composure. I think you have a very strong and generous mind.

I completely understand that, amid such difficult experiences with your mother, your relationship with your aunts became a vital source of emotional support for you. That’s precisely why you want to cherish your relationship with them. I want you to hold onto that feeling.

Your mother senses that you don’t have positive feelings toward her. She is probably jealous of your connection with your aunts and reacts by saying harsh things. When she acts like this, it might make you remember past experiences and feel physically and emotionally tense.

But you are no longer a small child to be abused by your mother’s words. You are a strong adult who can think for yourself and act accordingly.

From now on, please live your life valuing the relationships with those you hold dear, without worrying too much about how your mother feel.

— Yutaka Ono, psychiatrist