I Said Hurtful Things to My Family, but I Don’t Remember Saying Them

The Yomiuri Shimbun

15:22 JST, December 28, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a homemaker in my 70s. Now I live with my husband, and our married daughter lives near our house. But she recently said to me: “Mom, you say too many unnecessary things. You have no tact.” I’m feeling down about this.

According to her, I commented on my grandchildren’s choice of school and looked down on them. She also told me that I said something like, “They haven’t been properly disciplined,” and that I even spoke ill of my husband’s relatives. However, I didn’t mean any harm and frankly, I don’t even remember saying these things.

It seems I also said things that hurt my daughter when she was young, and she blames me for her low self-esteem.

When I think about how I may appear to lack tact and sensitivity, even though I try to have normal conversations, it makes me afraid to speak at all. What precautions should I take in the future?

— B, Fukuoka Prefecture

Dear Ms. B:

You’re in trouble because your daughter is blaming you for your insensitive comments. You say you didn’t mean to be insensitive, but you should keep in mind that while it’s not bad to point out someone’s flaws, what matters is how you convey this criticism.

For example, instead of saying something negative, like “That’s not good,” try phrasing what you want to say in a more positive fashion, like “I think it would be better this way.” Then you can avoid sounding disagreeable.

And rather than say “You’re wrong,” say “I think that’s not a good idea,” which is known as changing a “you message” into an “I message.” This is considered an effective way to more smoothly communicate with others.

When pointing out a problem, you should find a good point and mention that too. And avoid speaking ill of others. It will make those you’re talking to anxious, as they will wonder if they might be bad-mouthed behind their backs.

As for your daughter, you should be grateful to her for pointing out that you lack tact. Most people distance themselves from others and say nothing if they feel uncomfortable. Start by building a good relationship with her.

— Junko Umihara, psychologist