How Can I Persuade My Son to Become Independent?

The Yomiuri Shimbun

14:39 JST, August 3, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a male cram school teacher in my 60s. I work about three days a week after I retired from a company. My wife is still employed, and our younger son, who is in his mid-20s, also works at a company.

However, our older son, who is in his mid-30s, has never held a steady job. We’re struggling to help him become independent.

After living in the United States for about three years, we returned to Japan when our eldest son was in kindergarten. He has a quiet personality and was bullied to some extent when he was in elementary and junior high school.

We sent him to a private university, believing that he needed a college degree. But we forced him to quit as he did not study seriously and was unable to earn enough credits.

He then worked part-time at a ryokan inn and elsewhere, but none of these kept going for long.

I pressured him to get a driver’s license and get certified to work as a caregiver. Ten years have passed since then, but he has not taken any initiative on his own.

Nowadays, I spend a lot of time at home and I’m getting even more frustrated. How can I persuade him to become independent?

— S, Saitama Prefecture

Dear Mr. S:

I understand your concerns about your eldest son. However, from what you have written, I cannot figure out what kind of person he is and what he wants.

You forced him to quit college and pressured him to obtain a driver’s license and a caregiver certification, and he seems to have just followed your word. It seems to me that you have prioritized what you want on several occasions.

Your eldest son, who returned to Japan when he was in kindergarten, was bullied in elementary and junior high school. That may be the reason that he was unable to develop the confidence needed to become independent in society.

What may have seemed like being “bullied to some extent” to you could have been a significant event for him in his formative years.

Since his life is his own, all you can do is watch over your son as he moves forward at his own pace. One thing I would caution though, is to try not to coddle him by finding ways to make him independent. That would just be repeating the situation at hand.

If you become impatient, your son will only feel more uncomfortable. Why don’t you talk with him about his childhood memories and what he enjoyed doing when he was young? This might help him gain new insight.

— Yoko Sanuki, lawyer