I’m Clashing With My Older Sister After Our Father’s Death

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:15 JST, July 6, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female company employee in my 40s. I’m worried about my relationship with my older sister.

We’re both unmarried, and we live together because our father needed nursing care.

I’m patient and laid-back, basically lazy and not good at tidying up. On the other hand, my sister is short-tempered and has a fastidious nature. She constantly tells me to clean my room and be tidy.

Our father died last year, and I’ve been struggling to cope with his loss because I was close to him. My sister became even more critical of me after his death, so I’ve been avoiding her.

Recently, however, we got into a big argument. She said our father’s death was my fault since my room is so dirty.

She shouted at me, saying, “It was because your room looks like a pigsty!”

I’ve been trying my best to clean up and reduce my clutter. Being blamed for my father’s death has got anger boiling inside of me. How should I deal with her in the future?

— S, Osaka Prefecture

Dear Ms. S:

Living with your sister while fighting with her must be quite unpleasant. The conflict likely stems from opposite personalities and lifestyles, as well as the passing of your father.

Losing a loved one leaves a void in the heart, and everyone struggles to fill that emptiness in their own way. I wonder if you and your sister are trying to do so by blaming each other.

One approach is to let time heal your wounds. However, it’s important to not simply wait for time to pass but also to take proactive measures.

If it’s financially possible, you can rent an apartment and live separately from your sister. Being apart might help you find things that you previously disliked about her to be less annoying, as well as help you see your sister’s positive qualities.

Also, it may be good for you to try to do some tidying to address the direct cause of your sister’s discomfort.

Cleaning up one area in your room a little bit each day is enough. Marking the days when you were able to do so in your calendar can also provide a sense of achievement.

These are all small steps to prevent your emotional void from growing any larger. Given that you had the energy to seek advice about how to improve the situation, you are capable of making these changes.

As you both grow older, you may find that your diametrically opposed personalities actually allow you to support each another.

— Masami Ohinata, university president