I’m Gay and in a Long-Term Relationship, But Can’t Stop Looking for Other Men

The Yomiuri Shimbun

10:53 JST, May 11, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a male doctor in my 40s. I’m gay and live with my partner, whom I’ve known for about 10 years. But every two or three years, I get attracted to someone else I met through social media, among other means.

In Japan, same-sex marriage is not yet legally recognized. So I believe I could break up with my current partner and start a new relationship, which makes me feel guilt-free about seeking new encounters.

However, I also think it is a restless lifestyle to change partners so often. When I start to develop feelings for another man, I find myself treating my partner coldly, and I end up feeling self-loathing.

I thought I would settle down when I got older, but I haven’t changed. I understand that it’s not a good thing, but recently I’ve been attracted to another man again.

I feel guilty toward my partner and spend my days with mixed feelings.

How can I stabilize my feelings?

P, Tokyo

Dear Mr. P:

You live with a partner you’ve known for 10 years, yet every couple of years you’re attracted to another man and are constantly looking for new encounters. Now that you’ve objectively examined your mind and your lifestyle, you wish you could bring stability to your feelings.

Love for someone is instinctive and free by nature. It is difficult to control it by force.

On the other hand, given that you’ve been living with your partner for many years, you and your partner are practically family and could be said to be in a state of a common-law marriage.

In recent years, as more and more people advocate for the legalization of same-sex marriage in the same way as a marriage between a man and a woman, the central and local governments and society have gradually made progress.

What does your partner mean to you? If you consider him to be someone you would marry, then your actions could be seen as infidelity. I suspect that your partner has been aware of your flirtatious behavior and feels hurt.

It may be time for you to seriously consider about how you want to spend the rest of your life with your partner.

If you want to enjoy free love without feeling guilty, living apart from your partner for a while might be an option. It would be ideal if you could take time to confirm not only your own feelings but also your partner’s.

Naoki Ogi, education commentator