My Husband is Emotionally Abusive, and I’ve Finally Had Enough

The Yomiuri Shimbun

14:19 JST, March 9, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female company employee in my mid-50s. I’ve been married to my husband for about 30 years, and we have two children.

Seven years ago, I had finally had enough of my husband’s emotional abuse and said I was leaving.

However, I ended up not leaving because my husband stopped me. I eventually decided to stay until our daughter, who was in junior high school at the time, graduated from high school.

Now, she has entered the workforce, and I was ready to leave. But then, our son, who is in his late 20s and had been working far from home, moved back in and became a hikikomori social recluse.

I told my children they can come with me when I leave, but they didn’t seem to want that. I think they’ll have to decide on their own whether they stay or go.

My son is worried that his emotionally abusive father will become ill tempered, so he’s against me leaving.

My son will probably do whatever my husband says so as not to make him angry. I’m wondering whether I should still leave, even if it means leaving behind my hikikomori son.

— F, Tokyo

Dear Ms. F:

It is not difficult to imagine how hard it must have been to be in an emotionally abusive marriage for 30 years. I can also imagine why you are feeling conflicted about pulling the trigger now that your chance to leave seems to have finally come.

You decided not to leave seven years ago for your daughter, as she was still in junior high school. Now you’re in the same situation out of concern for your hikikomori son.

Considering the weight of your feelings, it is not easy for me, as a third party, to tell you to either be brave and do it or to just hold on a bit longer.

Whatever you ultimately decide, your priority should be you own happiness.

Ask yourself whether you are happy with the decision you made seven years ago when your husband prevented you from leaving. Have his words and actions improved since then? The answers to these questions should help you make your decision.

Taking care of yourself does not mean you are neglecting your children. I think, by seeing their parents be happy and live with a sense of satisfaction, your children will gain the strength to move on in a positive direction.

If you choose to stay, the important thing is that you make the decision because it is something you believe you need to do for yourself. If you use your children as an excuse, you may end up resenting and complaining about them. It is painful for your children to see their mother acting like that.

I hope this will help you make your decision.

— Masami Ohinata, university president