My Mother-in-Law Insists I Have Another Child

The Yomiuri Shimbun

12:00 JST, October 20, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female company employee in my late 20s with a 2-year-old child. My mother-in-law has been pressuring me to have another baby.

She doesn’t listen to my husband no matter how many times he tells her to stop. She lectures me for an hour every time I visit.

When I returned to work after maternity leave, she said my job in life is to have children, not earn money. “You must have at least two kids for the sake of your country and family,” she said. “If you don’t have two kids, you’re not a parent.”

During my pregnancy, I suffered from serious morning sickness and almost had to be hospitalized. It was a very tough time for me.

I myself wanted to have two children, but then I suffered from postpartum depression and even considered suicide.

My husband says he respects my decision, since I’m the one who has to give birth. My father-in-law also thinks that he and his wife should not interfere in matters between my husband and me.

My mother-in-law calls my husband her “greatest masterpiece.” She has repeatedly told me things like, “You’re not good enough for my son. You’re a fraud.”

I’ve put up with all of this, thinking my conflicts with her have nothing to do with my child. I don’t want to take my child away from their grandparents, but I’m at the end of my rope.

W, Tokyo

Dear Ms. W:

I’m surprised to hear that there are still women who meddle so much in the affairs of their daughters-in-law. Rather than being impressed with your courage in trying to endure the pain, I’m worried about you.

I suspect a person who calls you a fraud and says you’re not a parent unless you have at least two children will not be good for your child. She said all those things without realizing the kindness you’ve demonstrated in believing that it’s not right to keep your child’s grandparents away from them because of a conflict between the two of you.

She might start interfering even more inappropriately in how you raise your child, or giving you dos and don’ts about school and other matters.

How about trying to keep your distance from her for a while? Directly confronting her will only result in you getting hurt. I recommend that you mentally cut her out of your life.

You should just dismiss whatever she says as something worthless and not to worry about. You can give inoffensive reasons not to visit and reduce the number of times you do.

You can carefully explain why you are doing these things to your husband and his father, and ask them to continue to be on your side.

It goes without saying: Women do not give birth for their country or family members. When and how many children you have and how you raise them are choices for you and your husband.

Please do not be swayed by your mother-in-law’s abusive language. Protect your family and your way of life with dignity.

It would be great if she realized that you are the great person her masterpiece chose as his partner.

Masami Ohinata, university president