My Mother Thinks My Sister Is Always Right

The Yomiuri Shimbun

11:00 JST, September 22, 2024

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a female company employee in my 30s, and I have a sister who is six years older than me. My mother believes that my sister is always right.

For as long as I can remember, whenever I have had a disagreement with my sister, my mother has said she was right and I was wrong.

My mother tried to make me take the entrance exam for a high school that was not my first choice because my sister said I should go there. I ended up going to the school of my choice anyway, but I found it difficult to concentrate on my studies at the time.

When I told my mother what I thought, she said that my sister was right because she was older and more experienced than me. “I’m offended. I was just trying to help you,” she added angrily.

My sister and I see things differently. We are in different situations, too.

My mother is not prepared to respect that my sister and I have different ideas. She cannot look at a situation from a neutral standpoint.

Now I’m independent and live apart from my mother. She helps look after my children, and I’m grateful to her for that. But I can’t respect her when she always thinks that my sister is right.

Please tell me how I should address this problem.

— B, Tokyo

Dear Ms. B:

You ask me how you should deal with your mother, who always favors your sister’s opinion and rejects yours, never taking a neutral stance. But you already know what you should do.

I think it’s okay to be grateful to your mother for taking care of your children but to not respect her. Your mother is neither a goddess nor a saint. She is just a troubled woman.

Likely your mother respects your sister’s opinion not because she doesn’t respect you, but because her opinion is the same as your sister’s.

It seems to me that she says your sister is right because your sister speaks for her.

It is admirable that you chose your own path and went to the school of your choice despite such parental pressure.

You do not have to respect your mother just because she is your mother, in the same way that your sister can’t always be right just because she is older and more experienced than you.

Your mother is not perfect, and you find you can’t respect these imperfect parts of her. But you love, cherish and appreciate her. There’s nothing wrong with that.

— Junko Umihara, psychiatrist