In Distress over Lingering Resentment About My Deceased Parents

The Yomiuri Shimbun

14:11 JST, June 15, 2025

Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a homemaker in my 60s. I grew up with a father who lived at his own pace and remained indifferent to his family, and a mother who at times would subject us to her fiery temper. My mother had no interest in me even when I was a child, which made me feel lonely.

I think most parents try not to make their children suffer and unwaveringly wish for their health and happiness. I hear so-called toxic parents are those who love only themselves and never understand their children’s feelings.

My mother was like that. She was bound by her own biased set of values, and I was at the mercy of her violent words and actions.

My brother, who was much older than me, always obeyed my mother and cared for her. There was never a real sibling bond between us.

Now that I’m old, I become overwhelmed with disgust and anger whenever I recall my immediate family. I feel miserable and sad that I cannot think fondly about my deceased parents and feel respect for them.

— U, Hyogo Prefecture

Dear Ms. U:

The memories of being never loved by one’s parents and feeling lonely can linger for a long time, even after growing up. I’m sorry to hear it’s distressing to relive those memories.

However, it will prove painful if you are caught up in an ideal of how things “should” be, so be careful. You wrote that generally parents unwaveringly wish for the health and happiness of their children, but your mother loved only herself, never understanding what her children were feeling and bound by her biased set of values. That may well make her sound a toxic parent.

On the other hand, I suspect there are not that many mothers out there who understand their children’s feelings and never force their values on them.

For a daughter, her mother is always her mother no matter how old the daughter may be. But why don’t you change your perspective a little bit?

Now that you have grown up considerably, take another look at your mother not as a mother, but as a very troubled woman.

How about seeing her as a failed woman who took her stress out on her children because she could not deal with it, felt frustrated with her husband who did not listen to her problems and wished to control her children’s lives? Will it not change how you feel even slightly?

There is no need for you to respect or think fondly of your mother, whom you detest, even though she is your parent. Please focus on building happiness with the family you have now.

— Junko Umihara, psychiatrist